You should know that this is not a man-bash. I love men. Some of my favorite people in the world are men. No, if anything, I am in awe of the male psyche and the almost universal ability of the guys of this world to think about only one thing at a time.
Picture the scene: Once upon a time, a hardworking wife (we’ll call her Nellie) spent all day doing laundry, with all of it put away except the last load. She then had to go out in the evening, leaving 5 neatly sorted and folded piles of laundry on her bed. Nellie got home late and found that her normally wonderful, caring, intelligent husband (we’ll call him Derek) had gone to bed. WITHOUT MOVING THE PILES OF LAUNDRY. No, he slipped right under the covers like some sort of magician and was sleeping soundly. Obviously, the un-put-away laundry and the advent of its falling off the bed into an obliterated mess had not crossed his mind. Obviously, he was blissfully un-worried about the whole situation. He had gotten into bed and…he went to sleep. Simple as that. And Derek lived happily ever after…
Nellie of course, was compelled to put the laundry away and then was left to decide whether to fume silently at Derek, wake him up by screaming realistically that the house was on fire, or just go downstairs and read till 2 am because she would never get to sleep now.
Friends, I know this sounds like a fairy tale (for Derek), but it is a true story and it happens all the time to men all over the world and I want to know the mystical secret that makes this kind of blissful oblivion possible. I want to think like a man. When I decide to go to bed, I want to actually go to bed instead of spending 30 minutes to an hour putting away other people’s stuff THEN going to bed. Maybe someday, I could even go to sleep UNDER the laundry. We all need aspirations. When I’m rehashing something I’ve said, done, or written for the 400th time, I want to stop and be able to operate under the assumption that I’m right and others are misinformed. Even better would be that ultimate man-skill: to not even think about what other people are thinking about me.
It must be possible, and I am on a quest to find out if I can, for once, not ask how everyone liked dinner and instead just be happy that I liked it. Or, if I say something unintentionally dumb, I want to let other people be responsible for their responses instead of me. Or to see if I can call the vet after completely forgetting the dog’s appointment without anxiety that someone I don’t know and that I PAY for a service might be mad at me for making a normal human mistake.
Sisters, friends, women of the world! Embark with me on this voyage of discovery to get in touch with your inner testosterone and leave all the angst and mental bother of being a woman behind!
THINK LIKE A MAN!
And, in case you’ve forgotten this one or you just need a good laugh, watch this. Then go build yourself a NOTHING BOX!
My Red Door Days 