I am glad it is Friday. I don’t know if it’s because this is the first actual 5-day week of the school year, or if I’m in my usual post-cycle-hormonal-dropout wasteland, but this week felt like swimming through jello. And not yummy strawberry jello with fat-free cool-whip on top. This was green jello, murky and sticky. I have been unable to concentrate on much of anything besides seminary. That is the only thing that has gone well. That, and I was glad to find out there was a card swap and have a reason to spend an afternoon stamping. Cardmaking was very therapeutic because it was mindless and robotic once I got the design worked out. Everything else has just been hard. For no good reason.
We spent most of the week researching cars, taking test drives and discussing pros and cons. I went through most of it in a fog. Eric was great, and the kids were very cooperative and helpful. It just felt ponderous. I was in a stupor of thought. No real deals in the used market were coming to us, and the cars we were looking at were not thrilling us. Our original intent was to spend only the settlement money from State Farm, and we just weren’t finding anything that felt right. I suggested that maybe we could wait a while and save some more money before we buy something. You should have seen the looks I got. I finally experienced a moment of clarity when we took the kids to try on a Toyota Sequoia and realized that full-sized male humans (which is what boys grow into long before they move out) do not fit in the 3rd seats of even the largest of Hondas and Toyotas, including mini-vans. I knew we would have to switch gears and get another full-sized truck. Neither Eric nor I have gotten excited about the Big Van Plan, in spite of the obvious practicality and pleothera of comfortable seats. We like trucks. So back to Ford we went. For some strange reason that I do not understand, we felt pretty strongly about getting something new, which would mean another loan after having had the Excursion that just passed away paid off for about 1 year. Another moment of clarity that I did not particularly want. I am sure the reasons will reveal themselves someday. My only comfort is the feeling that I have had that we have in fact been guided along the way.
After trudging through all this ridiculous angst and nonsense, we have a new ride, and the upshot is, its awesome. It is an Expedition EL, about the size of a Suburban. Obviously, I am incredibly grateful that such a blessing has come to us, that we were able to work things out quickly and with no muss or fuss. It is just not what I would choose right now and I’m not dealing well with that. I’m sure many are thinking, “I wish I had her problems…new car-poor baby.” I’m actually thinking that myself. I am frustrated with myself with my lack of Zen about this whole thing.
So here it is, the new member of the family. The kids are thrilled beyond anything I’ve ever seen. They are genuinely sad to lose the Truck, and all of them have expressed the feeling that they will miss it because so many memories are connected to that big gray beast, but this has helped. I’m glad of that.
I am grateful this whole episode is over. In spite of Eric being totally fine and it being a non-incident in the big picture, it has been an intense emotional experience for me. My knitting student who is a psychiatrist says I am experiencing Post-Traumatic Stress symptoms, which makes me feel stupid since nothing happened to me for crying out loud. Having just read Corinne’s post about her horrific accident as a teenager I feel like deleting this whole post because it is so whiny. I warned you though.
Well, I’ll stop rambling now. This writing gives an idea of my mental capacity this week. Stuck. Stagnating. Struggling. As Shrek would say, “Better out than in.” I suppose. Out with it then. Bring on a new week. And let it start now.
My Red Door Days 